WAKA Austin – Fall 2009November 4, 2009
What a difference a week makes. Last Thursday we got obliterated by Sit on My Base. They’d been plotting all offseason for revenge from the playoffs last summer and those voodoo dolls really worked wonders.
Then Monday rolls around: Terrible conditions, not a full team on hand, playing the highest scoring team in the league and we roll. Maybe it was the Monday night aspect (we’re now undefeated all-time on Monday.) Maybe it was that whole “getting runners on base thing.” Personally, I think it was the shirts. Namely, we didn’t wash ours. Most had been at the bottom of the hamper all weekend, moldering alongside work clothes and sweat pants. Some we’re left in trunks. I think Colin’s shirt ended up buried in the back yard by the dog…
Anyway, it worked. So from this point on, we’re not washing our shirts and we’re going all the way. Well, that as long as Lisa keeps catching everything and going perfect at the plate. And Sean returns from exile and knocks in two. And Carl keeps placing perfect kicks. And Jen M goes 2-2 and scores. And Neil boots bombs to right. And…
How’s it hangin’ all you kickballers out there in the great city of Austin, Texas? I know it seems like its been four score (hey oh! He said score!!) and 7 year since we last got together and played that wonderful sport they call kickball. And that’s because it has. As you know, we have that dirty hooker-faced lady named “Mother Nature” to blame for this but somehow I want to pin this on terrorism. So… terrorists suck. Take that, Bin Laden.
Anywho, I’ve been missing my constituents (that’s you guys) more than poor Slick Willy (that’s Bill Clinton) misses his fine cigars. And I’m not ok with that. Just in case you have all forgotten how things work, I thought I’d give you a few reminders of how to maximize your awesome quota for the evening at kickball. Thus, I give you Grant’s ways to be as awesome as floating balloon with a pretend kid inside:
- Attitude is Altitude. Put your happy faces on. No one likes to play kickball against or with someone who has his or her “I didn’t get any action on Halloween and now I’m bitter” faces on. It’s a bad look, and it won’t improve your chances.
- Say Hi to a stranger. We all know that your team has the pun-y-est name in kickball and you are all badasses and could cure cancer with your tears; however, we also know that you cry alone in your bedroom listen to Sinead O’Connor on repeat and wanting something to cuddle. Go let yourselves go… you’ll like the results.
- Board says to say something about picking up trash. While I know this doesn’t sound like being as awesome as a balloon with a kiddo, it has to happen. AND you are saving the world. That’s kind of neat, I think…
- Bring some money for the kids. Jello shots rule and make people like you more. That’s just science. And if that seems like “stupid mumbo jumbo that Grant made up” then I say this: Donating to kids is even that more sexy and looks good on ya. Just like I do… HEY HEY!! **insert dirty wink and creepy smile**
I can’t wait to see you guys out there this week. We’re playing week 6 games. Check the website and find your game times. Feel free to print out my rules I just gave you and use it in everyday life. If it doesn’t land you in jail, you’ll become president of a small country. I guarantee it… not really… ok, kind of… but seriously, I don’t.
Grant “sexy pits” McClendon
MID SEASON PARTY: ANYTHING but CLOTHES…
The Auction Block:
What do a pillow case, a deck of cards and a shocker flag all have in common? They make amazing costumes.
Photos from the Partay:
CHARITY AUCTION 2K9
We are off to a great start this season! We have already raised $382 for our charity. As some of you may have noticed I am not the only one selling Jello Shots this season so look for Lacy, Sloane and occasionally Lundy to be sporting the backpack of awesomeness too. Don’t forget to bring cash… We are unable to take credit cards, checks or iou’s.
I hope all of you are looking forward to the Mid-Season Anything but Clothes party on Friday! We have decided to do an Auction to raise more money for our charity so here is how it works. We have selected several kickballers and they will go up on the block. If you purchase them you can dress them up however you would like for the games on October 29th. If you purchase one of the players you are responsible for providing the costume and you must clear it with them first. We will be accepting checks as well as cash so make sure you bring one of those forms of payment. If you have any questions feel free to email me firstname.lastname@example.org.
And don’t forget to do it for the kids…
Remember in the last email when we said “location may change” for the midseason party? Well it has! We are now going to continue the tradition of mid season parties on the east side by going to The Liberty on E. 6th.
Drinks are cheaper (which means MORE of them), they have games (bocce ball, washers, pool, pinball and galaga) and they’ll let us use a PA for the auction announcement.
- Anything but clothes party
- You’ll be drinking “free” until the bar tab runs out
- Carpool if you can, parking is street only
- Charity auction will kick off @ 9:00 and you can bid on people until 10 pm. Benefits our charity.
- +1s are invited… but we ask them to chip in $5 to offset their drinking.
The anyvite is here with details: http://anyvite.com/v0o9snajz6
On The Auction Block….
Name: Drea “Queen of Green”
Team: Walk of Shame
Favorite color: Green or Blue
Likes: Hanging on the beach, beating everyone in an Irish car bomb chug off, kicking doubles, seeing double, and having the dirtiest mouth known to man.
Dislikes: Pretentious, judgemental, closed minded people..not that I judge them or anything…
Potential Buyer: Must want to have a good time. Must also put up or shut up.
Team: Donkeypunch (aka baby Jesus born again)
Sign: Leo (Rawr)
Favorite color: green
Likes: Kickball, Vegas, Kickball in Vegas, Yagerbombs, Yagerbombs with Kickball in Vegas.
Dislikes: People who don’t play kickball.
Potential Buyer: Someone with lotsa cash (I’m a gold digger)
Name: Brittany Lane & Erin Shirley, aka “B – Lane & E-Money”
Team: Where My Pitches At?
Sign: Virgo & Libra
Favorite Color: red & green
Likes: fun, the beach, dance parties, mac n cheese, fannypacks
Dislikes: onions (B Lane), unicorns, Restless Leg Syndrome, and the jonas brothers.
Potential Buyer: we’re looking for someone who can bench over 200 pounds, kick swine flu in the snout, make a mean pot pie and can sing the golden girls theme song.
Name: Cameron Kushwara, “Kickball Cam”
Team: Donkey Punch
Favorite Color: Red
Likes: I like tattoos, kitties and midgets.
Dislikes: parachute pants, bad grammar and pink-themed weddings.
Potential Buyer: I’m looking for someone that will dress me in the most hideous, inappropriate costume imaginable.
Name: Megan Lundquist, “Lundy”
Team: Two in the Pink, formerly Smirkin Merkins
Favorite Color: electric blue
Likes: blacking out, standing on things, Ego’s, gas station beverages, Sunday Funday, mustaches
Dislikes: people who sing Maroon 5 at karaoke bars, visors, work, clowns, Under-inflated balls, and Reality TV
Potential Buyer: must have a liberal attitude toward showering, leathery aroma of a real man, be able to drink everyone under the table or black out trying.
Name: Andre Rodgers, “Dr.Dre”
Team: Walk of Shame
Favorite Color: Blue
Likes: Mad Dog 20/20, Wild Irish Rose, Vegas, Women of Walk of Shame, Women of 40 Bounces, ESPN, Michael McDonald, and Applebees
Dislikes: Bob Stoops, Tom Cruise, Bar Snobs, People who use big words for no real reason, and Myspace
Potential Buyer: Someone like Lady Gaga
Team: Tyrannical Teabaggers
Favorite color: Yellow
Likes: Winning the Kickball Championship Title, Dancing uncontrollably with the Pinkertons (aka Two in the Pink), well… really anything to do with kickball. The STDs=Sports, Traveling, and Drinking.
Dislikes: people who don’t know what teabagging is
Potential Buyer: Someone who isn’t afraid to have a good time, get drunk, and made stupid mistakes! Wow, that sounds like everyone on my kickball team… awesome!
Name: Grant Stephenson Akins McClendon, “Ginga Ninja,” “Gmoney,” “Star of your wildest dreams”
Team: Well Hung-over
Likes: Gchatting instead of working.
Hate: getting my feet wet when I’m only wearing socks.
Sign: Aries…I love unicorns and walks on the beach.
Favorite color: Blue, duh.
Potential buyer: Two words: Rich. Cougar.
Name: My-Tien (pronounced “meeting”) “Minnie”
Team: Depends on what day it is. Oh kickball, Sit on my Base
Favorite color: Yerrow
Likes: Pension funds, liquid assets
Dislikes: STDs and the opposing team
Potential buyer: A keg of Mirrer Rite
Name: Joey, “The Big Guy”
Team: Relax and Let it Happen
Favorite color: Blue
Likes: Texas, Money, Lakes, People Watching, Food and Beer.
Potential buyer: Deep Pockets
and now the team write-ups….
WEAPONS OF MASS
Always looking forward to kickball Thursday’s. This week we played
against the Beerview Mirrors…. Strong team, but not strong enough to
beat the Weapons of Mass Consumption. I have to say though, they put
up a good fight…With their spider monkey boy running around in chucks
dodging every single ball we threw at him, even from a close distance.
Incredible but WTF… How do you not slip and fall in those shoes?
They have absolutely no traction. Anyway, we started out
disorganized, with several people out or running late, and were not at
full strength. We were down 1-0 after several kickers, but 1/2 way
through the 1st inning 2 more teammates arrived and we were at as full
strength as we would be for the night, but from this time on, we
didn’t let them score another run the rest of the game as our defense kicked it up a notch and was rocking.. In the end, we kicked a home run, and 1 additional run, to win 2-1.
(Jared, Noelle, Katie and Jason)
RUBBER BALLS & LIQUOR
Finally a true team we became
By donning our shirts even though another team had the same.
A few players short we tried our best
Our kicks had power, our bunts had zest.
Our defense was solid, only two runs were scored
From not until the end, there will be no more.
I’d Kick That
Week One: Setting the tone
The skies were electric, but that didn’t compare to the electricity in Gillis Park in Austin, Texas. Day one of the Fall 2009 Kickball season was about to get underway, as soon as the lights got turned on, forty-five minutes later than the original start time. All complaints can be forwarded to the league offices.
If anything it gave we, the members of I’d Kick That, more time to pregame and get (re) acquainted with one another. As the team started to filter in and we watched our fearless leader (said captain) take 15 minutes to parallel-park, there was a team building exercise of shot gunning a cold one. Not all the members decided to take part in the event (myself included), some, such as Jess T, were quickly peer pressured into it. Whatever the case, it gave certain members of the team a bounce in their step, especially Rick who only finished half his beer and quickly tried to make up for it by asking for a mulligan.
As the first game was winding down, our opponents drew near and started sucking up to our new mascot, Frodo….or Baxter…..or Toreetzo(sp?), whatever, either way, it was a ploy that would not work out for the team in jorts(which was a pretty good idea for a team, I mean hilarious, everyone in cut off jeans, I’m sure their preseason meeting was like a scene out of Project Runway with their captain coming around like Tim* critiquing the length and fray of the shorts. Unfortunately for them I think they used too many jeans from their junior year of high school because some of those guys looked, how you say, restricted.).
Soon the game was underway, good things happened early and often. The top of the first went quick and was capped off with an unbelievable diving catch in foul territory by Don. The bottom of the first was just as impressive for I’d Kick That, as after two quick hits, Rick stepped up and hammered a three-run shot into the next field. The tone was set. We rolled to a 7-4 victory behind some other highlights, which included: the infamous 4th out, impeding the base runners of the other team, Pussy taking the longest turn to second in history, before heading on to third only having to go back to second (he did end up scoring, so he’s got that going for him).
Some other things I noticed throughout the evening. There is no way to catch a kickball and make it look good (unless you do a diving roll in foul ground). The fields are way to close together. I had ongoing conversations with other the outfielders from the other game, some nice people(until we play them)! Catcher is by far the easiest position on the field, you don’t even catch the ball when the other player lets the ball go, the ump (who couldn’t count) or the batter threw it back 90% of the time. Outfielder shifts shouldn’t be called for mid pitch.
Inspirational link of the week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_h7Lm7C9Nk
For those of you who read Bill Simmons, yes I know, I completely ripped this off, but I don’t care. I love the “air” dribbling he does at the start and how he calls the fact that he has the original tape there a “special bonus.” This should’ve made your creative juices ooze.
Until next Thursday, kick on.
* I had to look up that guy’s name so I get to keep my man card.
Week 2 Pitching Wins Championships:
So the second week I’d Kick That got off to a slow start. Many of us showed up with little time to pre-game, which showed in the early innings at the plate. Luckily for our squad our ace hurler was on six days rest. Tariq was on fire throwing curves, rollers, and small bouncers to every hitter he faced. The…the….who the hell were we playing? I never caught their name and probably didn’t need to they were rather shabby. Either way, I didn’t think a shutout was possible considering the blur that most teams are playing in you have to figure there would be a couple of errors in the field. Oh and we had those errors, Big “P” just came through on the mound.
High/Low-lights of week two:
Guys always think that girls can’t catch. Well anyone who was watching our squad last week knows that isn’t the case. Bases loaded and one out in the top of the first, some guy hits a hot line drive straight at Jess H at third. The runner on third, also a dude, didn’t hesitate taking off for home. Unfortunately for them Jess H came up with the grab and then instead of taking all the glory and getting the unassisted double play, she threw the ball to our SSS Terry like it was a bag full of Ebola. Some might say that she didn’t know she could just step on third, however her teammates know that she didn’t want all the thunder.
Top of the second our leadoff man, Rick, knew the importance of getting on. He smacks one towards right field and took off. He took off and dove for first base to beat the throw. Unfortunately his dive started after about two steps toward first. Apparently he was trying to move way to fast for what his legs could handle, hmm dirt tastes good doesn’t it Rick.
Some inning, the no-names are at bat and Brandi in LCF is enjoying her beer and chatting it up, not realizing that she may have to do something. As one would guess the ball is all of a sudden sailing towards center. Brandi doesn’t hesitate as she takes off toward the ball. Kelly then informs her that it would be easier to catch the ball if she had both hands available in the form of, “Brandi drop your beer!” Apparently Brandi took that as “I should spike my cup like I just caught a touchdown in the Super Bowl and see how much of the beer I can splash all over myself.” Sacrificed the beverage and didn’t make the catch, soaked herself like she was in a wet t-shirt contest in Cancun.
Other observations: It’s a good thing this league doesn’t test for performance enhancers, all of our runs in this game came off HRs. Our captain shouldn’t try over the head falling away throws, it didn’t look good, at all, I mean really bad, pathetic really. “P” got a strikeout, really, somebody couldn’t hit the ball in fair ground four times connecting with the ball, unreal. A player shouldn’t call for a fly ball over and over until the last moment and let it go over their head, I’m looking at you Claudia.
Inspirational link of the week: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZukVN_djZds
We don’t have this kind of hazing on our team for the rookies, lucky for me. Do you think the rookies for the Cavs will make sure to get him his doughnuts considering he just got busted with two handguns strapped to him and a sawed off shotgun in a guitar case while riding his motorcycle? “Better have my doughnuts!”
Week Three: The bitter taste…..
Unbelievably I’d Kick That suffered it’s first and surely only defeat of the season to a group with the longest name ever who seemed to have 3 girls on their team, at most. Ok, ok, maybe they did have the correct allotment, but a couple of them were tweeners, believe me.
The real reason though that I feel we went down, other than the abundance of he/she’s, was that god-awful start time. I mean 6:30 is wayyy too early to get a decent buzz going. Let’s face it, this is the closest thing to pool or darts that I’ve come across in which alcohol definitely heightens ability. I felt like a west coast NFL player going to New York for a noon start (for those of you who don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, 1) you’re un-American, 2) that’s like trying to play a game at 9a.m). That forty-minute hold up on Mopac didn’t exactly help either.
Lowlights, we had a really bad day in the field and scoring only two runs, a pretty bad day at the plate, that’s all I have to say about that.
Other thoughts, we need Don to get back this week, I mean the guy has had three homeruns in four at-bats in the first two games and then doesn’t show for the third, what the hell? If it’s a contract dispute we can fix it Don, we’ll alternate bringing you beer each week. I hope we never play at 6:30 or on field four ever again, possibly cursed for our squad, I’ll let you know if we end up getting screwed and have to play at that time and/or field again.
Inspirational link of the week: Hide the grandparents, they’re real!
WELL HUNG OVER
Well… Uh… When you lose 13-2, there is only one thing to say:
WHERE MY PITCHES AT?
A returning team in the “Capital” division.. ‘Where My Pitches At?” is off to a good start. As of now we’re 1-2, but we’re just gettin’ started people. We’ve got the spirit, talent, and general bad-ass attitude to do really well this season. New ‘Pitches’ this season: Pete, Allison, J Kee, Stevie, Jim, Brian, Cranch, and Mike. You should already know the repeat offenders, but in case not… Nathan, Alex, Kevin, Todd, E Money, and B Lane.
Some call it a waist belt, others the ‘fanny pack’..but we ‘Pitches’ refer to it as the harbinger of fucking awesomeness. What’s better than a pouch strapped to your waist that holds all things valuable? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. In a recent Gallup poll, it’s the preferred method of carrying valuables 80% of the time, all the time.
Heads up to Liver Let Die, congrats on the win..but remember, there will be a rematch.
Your friendly ‘Pitches’
2 In The Pink
We know you’ve seen us around. You’ve thought to yourself, “Did they slide in dirt? Is that a shocker symbol on that ridiculously large flag? Did she do three kegstands? Man, I wish one of those tie dye wearing chicks would go to the prom with me.”
Well, being the extremely kind and giving (not that way, perv) team that we are, we want to help you out on your desirability factor. Therefore we have compiled a list of what not to wear or do in order to get invited to prom by that hottie you have been eyeing.
10) Capri pants. You don’t live in Europe. If you rode your bike, wear regular size pants and roll up the leg.
9) Earrings. Anywhere really.
8) Being overly competitive. Cussing/yelling at ladies during games is not sexy. We don’t think it is cute and it doesn’t make you more of a man in our eyes. Is winning really more important than getting some hottie to ask you to prom? Crying/moping is also NOT hot.
7) Fake tans. No explanation needed.
6) Blue-tint or mirrored Sunglasses. It is definitely not cool that you are looking at other chicks while talking to me. Girls like to see your eyes or at least know you are TRYING to pay attention. Plus you just look like a douche.
5) Jorts. Some people can pull these off (hipsters, emo-kids) but really? Denim does not breathe, sweaty balls are not cool.
4) Cut off sleeves. Is it REALLY that hot out here that you have to hug me and rub your arm pit hair in my face. NO thanks.
3) Affliction and/or Ed Hardy t-shirts. Either you want to prove that you are afflicted or that you like to waste tons of money on an ugly bedazzled t-shirt. Neither is a good choice.
2) Shaved Chest Hair. If we wanted to date a GIRL, we would become a lesbian. Women like REAL men…fyi. Plus we do not want to cuddle with a thousand tiny shards of your chest hair growing back.
1) Visors. Do you think the fact that you are showing off that you have hair is impressive? Your scalp is getting burned and you look like an idiot.
For more tips of what NOT to do, please see this website.
Also for the ladies – you might want to start looking for prom dresses. In town selection is limited, EBAY is not. Just fyi.
Off like panties at prom,
WALK OF SHAME
Fun Facts About Walk of Shame:
–We are 5 seasons deep in here.
-We are undefeated.
-We introduced the league to Mad Dog 20/20 and Wild Irish Rose.
-Our pitcher does the Stanky Legg every chance she gets. (Mizzy)
-Our 3rd Basewoman is a sucker for love and got engaged last week. (Drea)
-Our Short Stop is probably drunk at this very minute. (Kris)
-Every guy on the team likes to watch wrestling.
-We don’t like ties. (Unlike the captain and the other members of 40 Bounces to Freedom)
-We make an exception to the tie fact when we play Relax and Let it Happen.
-Our 2nd Basewoman is better than yours. (Cindy)
–Our other Short Stop doesn’t give a danm about any of you. (Louis)
-Our 1st baseman is sexier than yours. (Dre)
-Our Left Fielder is clumsy, but damn he’s good. (Jorge)
-We will pay anyone to slap the smile off our CF mouth. (Chris)
-Our Newbies are fucking a bunch of badasses… And I’m not playing. (Rebecca, AJ, and Corey)
….. And we’re coming for that Cup…. If you don’t like us, we still love you….