h1

waka Austin: Week 5

November 12, 2009

grantprez

Dear Kickballers,

Welcome to Week *&^!!!  I use these random signals because I’m just as confused as you guys are about what week it actually is and what is actually going to happen in my life.  I know that we’re playing kickball tonight so I know that I’m happy and scared and nervous and… horny?  I dunno…

So far this year we’ve had shockers-a-plenty, dudes in daisy dukes, jello shots for the kids, and a little kickball as well.  We’ve had guys in trashbags, chicks in playing cards, boozing robots and some board member that really knows her porn walking around in public.  I hope you’ve all had as good a time as I have.

I’m so excited about tonight’s games that I’m bringing back my favorite feature.  So, without any more delay, here are your horoscopes for this week:

Aries – Seemingly out of nowhere you will seem to feel more svelt and well put together.  Then you will wipe the fog from your mirror and realize you were just imagining it and should really get a life.

Taurus – New opportunities will arise for you with the opposite sex tonight.  Then you will mention something about your ex, blow it, and drink too much.  Sorry about that..

Gemini – You will find yourself able to throw perfectly, catch perfectly, and kick farther than ever before.  You will, however, also find yourself talking to person no one really knows and isn’t sure how they got there and then miss game time.  Oops.

Cancer – While going to your car in the morning you will narrowly escape getting poo-ed on by a flying bird.  Don’t really have much else to say about it.  Good job.

Leo – Two words, one terrible nightmare:  Shart. Foreplay.

Virgo – Your boss will acknowledge you for your achievements.  Praising you for your hardwork.  5 minutes after you give him your two weeks.  Someone call Alanis Morissette..

Libra – A stranger will literally walk up and kick you in the shin.  This is your chance to kick their ass.  Seriously, the “gods” don’t mind and we got your back.

Scorpio – You will wake up with Chumbawumba – Tubthumper playing on your car radio and literally have the best day you’ve had in weeks.

Sagittarius – The person ahead of you in the 10 items or less checkout line will literally have 30 items.  This will infuriate you and you will want to go postal like Mike Douglas.  DO. NOT. DO. THAT.

Capricorn – You will use bing for the first time ever.  You will then swear to never use a computer again because you are so confused you might as well be a 70 year old trying to run a regression analysis in excel.   Don’t hit the computer, its not it’s fault.

Aquarius – Your significant other will tell you that you should do more to look like their celebrity crush.  You will say that is bullshit and go hit on a stranger.

Pisces – Does anyone even remember that this is an astrological sign?  Anyways, you will be forgotten about and not invited to the party.  The party was a drug raid and everyone went to jail but you.

POWER POLLS


That’s right, they’re back.
After a season off due to writer’s block, it’s time to unveil the latest Power Polls. Please bear in mind, these rankings are based on absolutely nothing besides the committee’s whims. You can win and move down or lose and move up. You’re whole team can make a giant scene and you’ll be that team made a giant scene. The only thing that IS certain is that if you don’t like your ranking, do something, anything, to change it. Without further ado, debuting at #1 is… wait, it’s a tie?

1. Tyrannical Teabaggers. Same number of votes as Relax, but they’ve given up fewer runs.

2. Relax and Let it Happen. They may be 5th in the nation but they still haven’t beaten the Teabaggers.

3. 40 Bounces to Freedom. Still sore from losing the Live regular season in the final week, they’ve come out smoking.

4. Walk of Shame. It they could only score they’d be deadly. But 0-0 ties are fun, right?

5. We’ve got the Runs. As long as we keep seeing Wendell on TV, they remain relevant.

6. Kickopotamus X. Not sure if they are one of the best teams or one of the worst. Depends on which inning you watch them play.

7. Liver Let Die. They are the Texas Tech of Capital, they always seem to play 2nd fiddle…

8. Weapons of Mass Consumption. Anyone remember when they were Sweat n’ Balls and everyone beat them? I sure don’t.

9. Born Again Virgins. They’re perverted. They have a rapper on their team. We like them.

10. Jorts on the Green. Commitment to the name. These guys wear Jorts. Every week. And they are looking good, I mean, uh, sexy?

11. Fireballs. Wicked defense, 6 runs allowed in 5 games.

12. Bazaar Voice Ballbusters. The alliteration alone advances them above all… Except the 11 teams in front of them.

13. Donkey Punch. Because that name makes me laugh too hard.

14. Whose on 1st. If a team Sits on my Base but no one was there to watch it, did it really happen?

15. Sit on My Base. If they didn’t have a proven track record, they’d be much lower. Something tells me their winning ways will return though.

16. Where my Pitches at? Two words: Fannie Packs.

17. I’d Kick That. They can put up the runs (21, second in league) but they can’t stop anyone.

18. Dunder Siege II. Oh how we miss Elois. DUNDERRRR!!!

19. Two in the Pink. If this was the Drunken Power Polls they’d be the undisputed #1.

20. Red Rockets. We need to see Great Dane puppies by the end of the season.

21. Rubber Balls and Liquor. Their name is confusing. I don’t know whether to be impressed or concerned.

22. Meet my Meat. Maybe it’s just a Technicality, but I think they’ll get on track.

23. Kick Tease. Several veterans of Smirkin Merkins didn’t bring the party with them. Amber and Tina, were y’all the party poopers?

24. Beerview Mirrors. A win’s a win, right? Love the traffic cone orange color.

25. Well Hungover. We can safely say there are no members of this team on our fantasy kickball squad.

26. Pitch and Moan. Flip cup prowess aside, you can’t forfeit a game.


TWO IN THE PINK

FINAL2

· If Two in the pink does five keg stands and you do five keg stands, Two in the pink did more keg stands than you did. And looked better doing it.

· Even when the score says you win, Two in the Pink still wins.

· Two in the pink doesn’t go to parties, they are the party.

· Being drunk by a two in the pink-er is a beers favorite way to die

· Yes, 2 in the pink actually IS better than you.

· When 2 in the pink drinks, the whole world wins

· Two in the Pink doesn’t throw up if they drink too much. Two in the Pink throws down

· Two in the pink doesn’t drink people under the table, they drink and then hit them with a table for not keeping up

· If you Google search “Two in the pink being lame” you will generate zero results. It just doesn’thappen.

· Two in the Pink once drank an entire jug of pink panty droppers. And kept their panties on.

· Two in the Pink doesn’t sing meatloaf, meatloaf sings two in the pink

· When Two in the Pink is in a crowded area, they dont walk around people. They walk over them.

Yours in keg stands and poison,

2 in the pink

DONKEY PUNCH

donkey-punch

What a difference a week makes.  Last Thursday we got obliterated by Sit on My Base.  They’d been plotting all offseason for revenge from the playoffs last summer and those voodoo dolls really worked wonders.

Then Monday rolls around: Terrible conditions, not a full team on hand, playing the highest scoring team in the league and we roll.  Maybe it was the Monday night aspect (we’re now undefeated all-time on Monday.)  Maybe it was that whole “getting runners on base thing.”  Personally, I think it was the shirts.  Namely, we didn’t wash ours.  Most had been at the bottom of the hamper all weekend, moldering alongside work clothes and sweat pants.  Some we’re left in trunks.  I think Colin’s shirt ended up buried in the back yard by the dog…

Anyway, it worked.  So from this point on, we’re not washing our shirts and we’re going all the way.  Well, that as long as Lisa keeps catching everything and going perfect at the plate.  And Sean returns from exile and knocks in two.  And Carl keeps placing perfect kicks.  And Jen M goes 2-2 and scores.  And Neil boots bombs to right.  And…

Where My Pitches At?

straps-on-his-fanny-pack

(that’s right even the Justice League sports an FP..what??)

Due to the lack of kickball (thanks to the monsoons that have plagued the 512 area), team moral has been low. What is one to do on a Thursday evening without the glorious red ball, beer, and superior fannypacking? Not much..unless you can find a Motown Party..but that’s besides the point. Our first game back since the rain, and we played well. Todd scored excellently for the team, and there were several awesome catches in the outfield that helped us win the game. Another fannypack joined the team as well, look for the fanny-bumping mid game..it’s cathartic.
Post game celebration involved a few ‘Pitches’ and some 2 In The Pinks and one rogue Donkey Puncher celebrating their victories with Ariel, Prince eric, sebastian, flounder and king triton. That’s right..a Disney sing-a-long..go ahead, be jealous.

ursula
(this is what you’ll look like if you kiss a Ginger…) But if you insist on Ginger love, then please use this:

GINGER

This  Thursday we face off against Liver Let Die, who by the way, seem to have procured a miniature statue of President Grant McClendon. I know what you’re thinking…”that’s a leprechaun!” But, if you look closely..you’ll see the fine chiseled features of the ginger that we all know as Grant.
Just don’t ask what’s in the pot of gold, you.don’t.want.to.know.

Anyways, watch out Livers, because we’re out for vengeance. We let you win last time, but not again….not again.

Cheers!
WhereMyPitchesAt?

-Pitches.

WALK OF SHAME

By Andre Rodgers
Walk of Shame
Hooray!!! Celebration was in the air last week for the Walks! Cindy and Rebecca both celebrated their birthdays! That must have been what we needed to get a boost because…. Finally some freaking offense from the Walks! How about that! Biggest offensive burst in like three seasons. 7 runs! We have to give it to the Ball Busters, their team name is weird, but they had heart. They might be something really tough to handle come playoffs. We dont want to see them again.
I don’t know if you guys know this yet, but I really love our team. Walk of Shame legends Chris, Mizzy, Kris, Jorge, and Dre all scored! While Walk of Shame newcomers Rebecca and G both scored on a homerun by G. It was badass. Even Cindy came, oh so close to scoring on her birthday. Are we turning a corner? Let’s see! Way to play hard out there! We are halfway there folks! Let’s keep it going!!!
As for the team we play next….. We don’t care what state you played kickball in last month…ObamaNotScared

RELAX AND LET IT HAPPEN

Welcome fellow kickballers. I’m Justin Grady and I’m going to be guiding you through another championship year for the dynasty that is Relax and Let it Happen. If you’re new and you don’t know who I am, just ask who the best catcher/leadoff man in Texas and maybe the country is. If that doesn’t work, I’m the guy that’s a slick fielding combination between Willie Mays Hays and the Patrick Swayze of Dirty Dancing…because nobody puts Grady in a corner.

This week we played Where My Pitches At? After losing to us 3-0, they are thinking about changing their name to Where My Wins At? or maybe How Does Relax Do That? They played us well. They have a veteran team with a couple of good guys and a few good girls. We played horrible, but at least they didn’t score on us. They came close in the first inning but Joey threw a wonder strike to home plate and I finished it off with an equally amazing tag out.

Shout out to Erin for coming in and representing on her first game. She got on twice in the two weirdest ways but we’ll take it. David was running around like a crazy person all night. If you get a chance, ask him how big his dick is. Nicole had some classy bunts, as did Shannon. Other than that, we kinda played like shit, but when you’re as good as us, you can afford to win ugly sometimes.

On Monday we play Liver Let Die. We will beat them, just like we beat everyone else.

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