WAKADecember 3, 2009
PREZ WRITE UP.
What? What is this? Oh ya… I remember this… THE GMOT!! We’ve all been slacking big time this season with the GMOT. It’s usually a cesspool full of debauchery, bitching, trash talking, and pictures that would make your family disown you. I guess Fall 09 is the season for trying to make your family actually respect you. Good luck with that I guess… Mine gave up a long time ago. Got a dog…
Since President’s are all into giving “WAR PLANS” and what not these days I thought I’d give you my war plan for the holidays. Thanksgiving doesn’t count. Only plan is to eat as much as you can till you fall asleep napping and drool all over your dear grandmother’s new cashmere pant suit. Why are you so close to your grandma while napping? That’s your issue… (or is it mine?) I’m confused… as always…
YO HOLIDAYS, YOU’RE MY BITCH: A PLAN
1. Everyone knows that the holidays are really just a chance for you to get together with people you probably wouldn’t be friends with and then convince them that your specific life choices have lead you to be a great and successful person. Try to show them your potential and display your accolades. My plan starts by throwing in the towel before you even show up. Admit that you have it all wrong and have nothing to show for it. This way they can lavish attention on you and tell you that you really are great. Who care’s if they’re lying… it will feel good for at least 20 minutes. So worth it.
2. Now that you’ve set the bar low. Talk about a charitable thing you did. Now, not only do you have a newfound sense of potential, but you also deserve good things to happen to you. If you’re looking for something to talk about. Talk about all the $1.00 donations that you have made this season to the kiddos of Austin. Those jello death bombs are for a good cause. Doesn’t it feel good to give back?
3. Punch a Family member. It’s time to throw all that hard earned good graces and toss it out the window. No holiday is complete without a complete meltdown. Go to the eggnog dish, take out your flask and spike it right then and there in front of everyone. Everyone likes a party.
Merry (insert whatever you would like here), everyone. Good luck in the playoffs.
Standing under the mistletoe,
Grant “mistletoe never works and only gets me slapped” McClendon
*** REMINDER*** 80s & SADIE’s is tomorrow night. Be there.
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