My Kickball Peeps:
After two long weeks of being an enigmatic and mysterious Prez, I shall make my triumphant return to kickball this Thursday. I’m looking to renting a horse for such an occasion but I’ll probably just drive the same pick em up truck that I’ve been rocking since I was 16. Yes… I know that was 9 years ago… No, I don’t care how pathetic that sounds.
I hope all of you have had a wonderful time in kickball land in my absence. I know I was completely miserable thinking that I was without kickball, flip cup, getting yelled at while reffing and seeing your smiling faces.
Because I’m a ninja and I’m tuned in to the powers of the universe, I thought I would provide you all with your horoscope for this week. Please read and enjoy.
Aries- You will notice a burning desire to paint all of your skin green and stand behind the weather man as he makes his B.S. predictions.
Taurus- At least once this week a bird will fly into your car. Don’t worry, you will have the opportunity to poo on it while it rests gingerly in the shade.
Gemini- Your laundry pile will appear to speak to you while you are changing in the morning. Do not worry. That is simply Pee Wee Herman spying on you.
Cancer- While you can’t explain the urge to pee so often, you are strangely thankful that it does not burn quite so much anymore.
Leo- A dog will run across your path three times with a pink ribbon in its mouth. Then it will hump your leg. Sorry, Leo.
Virgo- A long lost friend will visit you unexpected. And stay way too long. And eat all your food. And upper deck your toilet. That friend is hot. You don’t care.
Libra- Driving will seem much more difficult and you will feel unfocused and unalert. You are drunk. And riding a unicycle. Idiot.
Scorpio- Ben Affleck will seem charming again. Matt Damon untalented. It will be opposite day.
Sagittarius- You will make a perfect “that’s what she said joke” to a feminist. She will kick you. Hard. You will cry. And she’ll laugh. You will be me. Everyday of my life.
Capricorn- You will encounter a man in a long trench coat with running shoes and ankle socks. Do NOT say you would like to see his “watches for sale.”
Aquarius- Someone of the opposite sex will compliment you on your persona. They want to sleep with you. This should be obvious.
Pisces- Bums will not even look at you as they approach your window. The blood on the hood and the sign that says “I Kill People I don’t Know” will only be part of the reason.
August 1st, 2009 is a day that will live in infamy. Not only was it the largest, most successful kickball party we’ve had to date, but it was also the MOST OFFENSIVE. That is no small feat. As you veterans know, there have been some pretty offensive goings on. Spin the bottle on the boat, random blind pig hookups, finding yourself naked on a roof… wait. Forget that part. Anyway, I am going to have to let the pictures speak for themselves. In them you’ll see a prince dance off, blow up doll porn, allusions to STDs, bigamy, blasphemy, on stage dancing with a bloody baby and a hell of a lot of sweat.
Suffice to say I am quite appalled and amazed how completely incredibly inappropriate you are. Well played WAKA, well played.
View WAKA’s innapropriate t-shirters at your own risk.. (once link opens, click ‘slideshow’)
This week was our exhibition week because your trusty ref was off learning how to wage the war against cybercrime. We had some scheduling conflicts with other subs, so Cameron and I decided to forego scoring during week 6. All games will run as scheduled this week at THE FIELD! We’ll play under the trees by the bleachers. So come out for that friendly drinking competition that you love!! Afterwards head to Jovita’s for the usual drink and food specials, minus the flipcup. Don’t mess with Texas.
Regular reminders for this week: Please bring enough beer for your team before you get to the table. As always, I’ll be trying to keep the games going. Keep an ear out for me yelling out team names. I’m short, so you may hear me coming before you see me.
Keep the beer flowin’ and the cups flippin’…
And on the fields…
Relax and Let it Happen
Seeing that we are a dynasty, there are two types of teams that we face. The first type is the team that is just happy to be on the same field as us. They are in awe, and they usually can’t help but to marvel at our athletic mastery and grace. They take pictures, ask for autographs, and one girl asked me to “caress her body all the way down.”
The second type of team wants to beat you more than anything. They practice extensively before games, talk shit to boost their collective self-esteems, and, believe it or not, believe that they can beat us. Liver Let Die is one of these teams. They are an excellent team with a lot of veterans, but they ran into the Dream Team of kickball. You see, we didn’t play up to our abilities in our win last week against Walk of Shame (I heard ya’ll lost AGAIN this week?). So I guess we took it out on Liver Let Die.
We beat them 12-1. It was nothing short of a massacre. I mean, we usually beat lesser teams like that, but not a team like Liver Let Die who actually thinks they can beat us. Shout out to Ryan Logue, who kept mentioning how much he wished he could play as though it would’ve made a difference. Later, we all thought about it and had a good laugh amongst ourselves. Sometimes, I still think back on it while sitting in my study and laugh so hard that I shit myself. Which isn’t a good thing, considering I don’t have any toilet paper in there. I just have to walk around with mud butt all day.
Our girls continued to be more athletic and prettier than yours. Shannon had a pretty cool catch out at shortstop on a line drive up the middle. It reminded me of “The Catch” by forty-niner great Dwight Clark. Nicole, Whitney, and Katie were unstoppable at the plate and on the bases. They didn’t have to do too much on the field because Jay’s pitching prowess was shutting shit down like Mark Buerhle. BWalk!!!, who’s bday was the day before our game, sobered up long enough to turn in another great game. Jim and David are getting better every game, and Joey and I continued to do things others wish they could do. We’ll play Liver Let Die again, and I’m sure they’ll play better. Maybe we’ll beat them 12-2 next time.
If you ever turn a corner and find yourself surrounded by a bunch of good looking athletic people in light blue shirts, just Relax and Let it Happen.
We may not be first in kickball standings, we may not be first in the flip cup standings, but by golly did we outshine the competition in the inappropriate t-shirt contest. I knew our team was totally inappropriate. Congrats to “Fag-o-meter,” “Deer in the Headlights,” and “Abstinence, 99.9% effective”.
Donning Santa gear, iKickballs was hoping for Xmas in July by unwrapping a “W” in the win column. Things looked pretty bleak as Santa placed us on the naughty list, and filled Dunder’s stockings with 3 runs in the first inning. If that wasn’t bad enough, Santa full on incapacitated our short stop, “Tiny Tim” style, crutch and all. I’m pretty sure he even went so far as to pull down his jolly pants and mooned some of our players, causing temporary blindness and a couple dropped balls, his and some kickballs.
Xmas would not be lost, however. T.J., cursing the white bearded he-devil known as Saint Nick, tossed the Santa hat to the ground, shouting “long live Chanukkah!” and started the rally back to respectability, scoring the first run for our side.
A few innings of great pitching and defense from both sides, including spectacular catches from Drake of the Jungle, Adam of the Nine Fingers, and Jeremy being Jeremy. The Dunder pitcher made an amazing catch that was called a trap, but was so spectacular he should have gotten the call. He dug down so far to get it, when he came up, it looked like he came out of a coal mine.
Other great plays during that scoring drought, but definitely worth mentioning included some great hits by Carly and Rachel and what could possibly be the first swinging strikeout in Waka history by the mighty Kai. When you swing for the fences you have to put all you got into it.
Katie, purchased some colorful jello shots that sparkled like Xmas lights. These were knocked back like figgy pudding and we were ready to roll out the last inning.
A nice last inning rally featured the first iKickballs inside the park home run by Steven “the Foot” Crosley followed by a triple by Chris “Dick in the Box” Neumann who thankfully waited till he got home to unwrap his gift. A well placed kick by Rachel to third scored the tying run. Take that Satan, I mean Santa.
Another tough loss at flip cup. Thanks Dunder for buying the beers, you stay classy.
Join us next week as hopefully Tommy Bahama will be on our side, aka Ugly Shirt Thursday.
I can’t think of an adequate description for the game last week. There was trash talking. Boobs. Tears. And that was just during rock-paper-scissors. When the dust had settled and the final out was recorded, Baby Jesus had pulled off a completely expected, non-upset, besting Walk of Shame 2-0. (FYI Andre, if both teams have the same record coming in, it isn’t an upset.)
There were kudos galore to give out. Mike was 2-2 from the leadoff spot with an RKI and scored the eventual winning run. Sean again used his eight-foot wingspan to snare an errant throw and thwart a rally. Kia made several catches in left and Miya brought the beer and the trash talking at catcher. Aimie helped us out and robbed a hit.
Runnerup for MVP was Colin, dude robbed Andre of a two-run homer in the 1st, over the shoulder OchoCinco style. Then with two outs in the bottom, drove in a run. Clutch. Don’t forget the rocking hairstyle.
Without a doubt, MVP was Zach. Where to begin? Shutout. Scored for the first time in I can’t remember, but that’s his own fault for being married. And with the other team intentionally trying to kick at him, responded with several nifty plays including pegging out the final runner. Sure he hit a girl, but whatever, a win is a win.
Lookout y’all, Baby Jesus has figured it all out. Sure it took six weeks, but whatever, it’s all about finishing strong.
Liver vs. Relax. We came, we saw, we got our @sses handed to us. We tried hard, too. We had a lot of great plays that game. I guess it’s easier to have a lot of great plays when you get the ball kicked to you over and over again.
Anyway, we had an amazing story this past Thursday. John got his proverbial cherry popped. He’s been patiently waiting for someone, anyone, to kick him the ball in outfield. Finally, his day came. Two catches. No more virgin status.
In the first inning Relax scored 3 runs before Phrog caught 2 balls from behind the plate and Patrick caught the one to right center. Three runs down….no problem. Or so we thought. Our bat. First runner on, second runner on, third runner on. No outs and bases loaded. Right where we want to be. Well, Jay’s pitching proved to be too much for our next two batters. Up comes Holloway…..2 outs and bases loaded. Damn if she didn’t kick in a run! Our only run of the game I might add. Thanks Holloway!
Carrie Walton was everywhere. She made an amazing catch in right field. Damn near kicked a perfect one down the left field line only to be called foul. Don’t even get me starting on the questionable calls of the game. To give Relax 4 or 5 outs an inning hurts. I know, I know. The refs don’t get paid and they’re doing their best. I’m just saying.
Congrats to Relax for keeping their unblemished record. We will continue the early morning practices and wind sprint training until we beat you!!! Be afraid!
TREMBLE with fear, mortals! After a thousand strange aeons, that dreaded beast SIT ON MY BASE has again awoken from its unholy slumber. SEE it as it rains down unmerciful carnage on the kickball field! SCREAM IN TERROR as it singlehandedly lays waste to Steven Segal’s Dunder Seige! HIDE YOUR FRIGHTENED EYES as it ravenously devours the lifeless carcass of Baby Jesus! Hold your date close and SHIT YOUR FUCKING PANTS as it dethrones the previously undefeated Tyrannical Teabaggers! Is there any force on Earth that can stop this abhorrent monstrosity now that is has been unleashed? Or will its reign of terror, unchecked alcohol consumption and loud, bawdy conversation continue? Only Thursday will tell…
Until then, keep the cattle in the corral, lock up your sons and daughters, and pray that this malevolent insanity will choose another for its victim. THIS SUMMER … NO ONE IS SAFE. Prepare yourself to…
SIT ON MY BASE.
Parents strongly cautioned.
Where My Pitches At?
This past week, the ‘Pitches” beat the Freebasers (again). Guess whatever they’re “cooking” isn’t as strong as they say it is…baha.
Few Highlights from the game, i had to live vicariously through my team..since I was stuck working in Amarillo…
There was apparently a run-in on second, with Todd’s glasses being broken..shame, shame..
E-money scored two runs, she’d like to thank the Wheaties she ate for breakfast that morning.
Ginger magic made some good plays, and good job to all the outfielders as well…keep it up.
Unfortunately Prez Logue couldn’t get his ass kicked at flip cup..something about a Star Wars convention he had to attend later that night….
Watch out this week as the Pitches are bringin’ the heat and badass-ness yet again…and yes, the fannypack will be back. And as always, the beer will be flowing…
Someone was going to get a “W” for the first time this season for their team. This was not meant to be for the XXX-Men, for our meager squad of ten players was no match for the mighty grouping of Toe Blasters and suffered our worst pounding this season, 11-0. However, the XXX-Men did not despair, as we knew our skills would be put to better use at our favorite sport… that’s right, Flip Cup, bitches!
XXX-Men Flip Cup Allstars Archanal and Shadowclit were out for the game (Shadowclit was off representing WAKA in full uniform at the Fat Bottomed Girls Dance Off, shaking her money maker all the way to a WIN),
So Weapon Sex, Lady Breastrike, Dickpool, and Creamy Cat came together (sex pun… ZING!) to help another Flip Cup novice, Whore Path, hone her gent and lady lovin’ skills to become another valuable asset to the team. And she did not disappoint, as the team again had to “come from behind” to get the win.
And congrats to Creamy Cat for her amazing representation at the Inappropriate T-shirt Party on Saturday, landing second place for the best inappropriate shirt. She’s got a lovely Texas Pair, wanna hold ’em?
So while we still remain in the basement in kickball, we’re confident that we could come on top of any team in the league in Flip Cup. Wait.. I mean, Come OUT on..!
iKickballs, your balls are next on our list… get ready. Despite all our losses, our team is full of win!
Love, the XXX-Men
Technicality paid us a BIG compliment by changing up their kicking line-up so they could beat us. So yeah, you could say we lost by a technicality ; )
Tshirt party was a Blast! Thanks for all your hard work to put it together!
Booze On First
Week 6 brought about a big W for the Boozers as we schooled the new kids from Technicality.
Now, I could go on to talk serious $hit about the purple team switching around their crumpled post-it lineup (in both games)… or how the majority of the opposition refused to give a good-sportsmanship high-five to my team.. or how one of their dogs was allowed to $hit in the middle of left-field… Wait. Eff it.
I give you, History’s Infamous Cheaters:
Whew… that felt grrrreat. Anyway, after a nice W and sweaty team huddle to send Kate (1 run!) off from her last WAKA Austin game.. I stepped in a huge pile of steaming crap. FAIL. Not cool purple Barney team.. NOT. COOL.
We reiterated our win again with our skilled ‘one and done’ flipcup team. IT FEELS SO GOOD!
Our MVP on the field was, hands down, Adam “Is There Anyone Else On The Field But Me?” Steinbacher. Nothing got past him. And everything was kicked his way.
This week, KickopotamosX ( Field 4 @ 7:30)… “hip…hip hop…hip hop annonymous!”
What can we say. We blew it. The hoppers must be cutting the package with baking soda or sour cream or something. Cause the Freebasers ain’t getting their high these days. Especially this week. More baseheads missing in action, and way too many mistakes. And thanks to a shitty economy, lay offs have now left one of our key fiends as a fugitive exiled from Austin.
There was one glaring highlight from last week though…Leigh straight up face planted and slid head-first, penguin style on her way to first base. And props to the Bird for popping up and still waddling her way to touch the base before brushing the dust off her shoulder. Bravo, Leigh. Bravo.
The game’s the game. Win or get got.
Here is our gmot for last week, literally put in just like this:
me: bummer. I have to do a write up for kickball…
the game was quick and dirty
we played flip-cup before hand and won
there was 2 mostlly naked men playing frisbee and that was distracting
one of them had on leopard
i got out at second, but only because i over ran the base and he touched me
that’s about all i remember
it was hot and muggy.
Apparently we won 4-1. Lost at flip cup at Jovitas. Our first loss of any kind this entire season.
Big Leballski’s got a big one coming up this week. Will pray to any and all god’s for strong legs and sticky hands.
See ya Thursday.
“But we’re working on it.”
Heartbroken and Full of Shame,
Hi Fellow WAKAns:
Let’s play a little game… What did NOT occur this week at the Smirkin’ Merkins Game?
1. Edward 32oz Hands
2. Giant Jenga
3. Interpretive Dance
4. Grilled Smores
5. Survivor Flip Cup
6. Dorito Dogs
7. Pink Feather Thong Merkin
8. Vodka Cocktails being Drunk out of a dog bowl
9. Merkins as Eye Patch
11. 2 run ins with APD.
12. Edward 32oz Hands
13. Giant Jenga
14. Grilled Smores
15. Survivor Flip Cup
16. Dorito Dogs
17. Pink Feather Thong Merkin
18. Vodka Cocktails being Drunk out of a dog bowl
19. Merkins as Eye Patch
20. Interpretive Dance
22. 2 run ins with APD.
Answer: #4 Survivor Flip Cup! We just played lots of rounds of normal flip… Survivor flip cup is slated for THIS week! Natch.
Here are the pics to back it up:
Thanks for a great Week 6 kickballers!
See yall on the fields tonight: