Grant “Ginga Ninja” McClendon –
Your Local Kickball Prez
Oh.. hey there you sexy beast of a Kickballer.. Didn’t see you there. You must have snuck up on me using your creeper/ stalker/ shmooztastic skills. I’d like to sit here and judge you for being such a freak, but I know that kickball has taught you all of these attributes. And now, all of the sudden, I feel a warm flow of pride flowing in my veins.
Has is been a good season? Having a good time? Ready to rock faces in the playoffs? Of course you have and of course you are… you’re a damn sexy beast.
Welcome to the first week of playoffs. You should all pat yourselves on the back because you have literally done nothing to get here. Everyone makes the playoffs. Some would argue that everyone making the playoffs is a legitimate proof against Darwinism. They’d go on to say that you teams with lesser records should have vanished years ago because you have smaller beaks than the other Kickballers (holy crap I’m smart). Others would simply say that we like to be nice and give everyone a chance. Believe what you will… Either way, you’re here.
I’d like to give you some sort of wisdom but I’m pretty sure I’m out of that. Thus.. How about a rant? You guys like rants right?
Let’s talk about the song “Winter Wonderland,” shall we?
1. There was a blue bird, now there’s a new bird, he sings a love song. I don’t care about this. Why are they telling me this? I hate this.
2. Ok. I like snowman’s. Let’s build one. Let’s see. There is a WHOLE UNIVERSE of things to name him. Oh! Oh! I got it! Let’s name him Parson Brown! Yes!!! A traveling minister with the most boring last name in the world is perfect for this soon to be talking and dancing snow creation!! Dumb.
3. Snowman’s first words: Are you married? I hate you, songwriter. It helps to know that Parsons would one-time marry peeps who didn’t have their own pastor. But I would have much rather liked him to say: “HOLY HELL! I have no vocal cords, much less organs, and I’m speaking!!” I mean, a boy can dream, right??
4. Next their going to pretend this stupid snow creation (wow, I used to really like snowmen) is a circus clown. If there is one thing in this world I hate it is circus clowns. They are assholes. Why would you ruin your jolly times by inviting an asshole to the party??
5. “We’ll frolic and play, the Eskimo way?” That’s just racist. I wont’ stand for it.
WAKA CHARITY UPDATE
So give a little bit, give a little bit of your love to me. Give a little bit, give a little bit of my life for you.
Now’s the time we need to share, so send a smile, we’re on our way back home…
I may not be a fan of the Goo Goo Dolls but I am a fan of giving. (Not in that way, pervs.)
This season we have raised $880 for charity, WOOHOO! Thanks so much for everyone who bought jello shots and participated in the auction.
THIS WEEK: PLEASE BRING WINTER ACCESSORIES!!! (scarves, hats, gloves, etc)
Two in the Pink will be collecting them stating at 6:30 and should be on the fields all night.
You know where to find them – look for the tie-dye and ridiculous debauchery.
Any questions about this, contact Megan Lundquist – firstname.lastname@example.org.
Just remember – you have to give to receive.
“The bigger the hair, the closer to Jesus.” A lot of ladies took this advice to heart this past Friday and boy, we couldn’t have been any more proud.
I’ve never seen so much neon polyester! Plus, those dance moves were off the chart,
I’m sure the fact that we floated five kegs had only a little to do with it.
Thanks to everyone who made it out for the party!
Special shout out to the board members for all of their hard work putting this totally RAD party together!
To see photos from the event, click here:
or visit us on facebok at:
Until next time…
Off like panties at prom,
The Party Committee
Liver Let Die
SIT ON MY BASE
FROM: Sit On My Base, LLC
TO: All Kickball Competitors, Pretenders to the Throne
SUBJECT: We Are Back and We Are All About Climbing Way Up Your Ass and Staying There
Body as follows:
For those of you who missed the company meeting this last Thursday, there were many important developments – a summary of which will be presented here.
First and foremost, Sit On My Base, LLC proved beyond a doubt that it is a dynamic organization capable of thriving in today’s hostile marketplace. SOMB LLC demonstrated lethal business acumen and a take-no-prisoners attitude towards its competitors. Having lulled them into complacency with its mediocre sales record, SOMB LLC viciously acquired We’ve Got the Runs, Inc in a 16-2 merger.
Major players in the transaction include: Jon Wagner, Senior Vice President of Ultimate Destruction, who was singlehandedly responsible for a seven-point stock raise, and woman executive Kim Pinion who shattered the glass ceiling with her iron kicking leg and outstanding outfielding. In fact, point contributions were made by the entire staff, with the exception of team CEO Minnie Nguyen, who is apparently shorting her own stock.
Thursday’s win has analysts rushing to reclassify SOMB LLC, formerly regarded as a mid-level company with dwindling prospects, as a possible dark horse in the upcoming business season tournament. To further their new sleek, aggressive image, SOMB LLC has changed their official slogan from “Beer First, Business Later” to “We Met With a Realtor Last Week To Discuss Purchasing Property Way Up In Your Ass, and We’re Not Leaving In Fact We May Even Build Some Condos Up In There.” So watch out, everybody. Our prospectus is DEATH.
Sit On My Base, LLC
TWO IN THE PINK
Look at our team
Isn’t it neat?
Wouldn’t you think our year’s complete?
Wouldn’t you think we’re the team
The team who has EVERYTHING?
Look at this shocker
How many wonders can one WAKA team hold?
Looking around the fields you think
Sure, they’ve got everything.
We’ve got pinatas and flashmobs a-plenty,
We’ve got capes and keg stands galore,
You want jello shot syringes?
We’ve got twenty!
But we care, no big deal, we want moreeeeeeee.
We wanna be where everyone else parties this hard
We wanna see, wanna see you dancin’
Walking around on those – what do you call em?
Oh – kleets.
Flippin’ your gums you don’t get too far
Courage is required for jumping, dancing
Singing along at the -whats that word again?
Up where we booze, up were we dance
Up where we play every day havin’ fun
Wanderin’ free – wish you would be
Part of our worldddddd.
THE TYRANNICAL TEABAGGERS
The Teabagger’s did not play last week, but because Megan Lundquist would be a Sad Panda on the Island of Misfit Mascots if we did not have an entry in the GMOT, I decided to make a list of things we did instead of play kickball last Thursday.
1. We held a benefit concert for dogs with epilepsy… go ahead and send a donation to save a shaky Dalmatian.
2. We had an awkward moment… just to see how it felt.
3. We isolated that gene that causes Ginger-vitis and are testing the cure on Grant.
4. We found Carmen Sandiego.
We would try to emulate other teams, but we decided we would rather live vicariously through ourselves. See you all on Thursday for playoff mayhem.
WELL HUNG OVER
Well Hungover – Week 8
Well. We lost to a Live team. Probably our best game of the year, though. We got a run in during the first inning and felt great about it. This feeling would not last long since 40 bounces would turn and SLAM 6 runs right into our unsuspecting faces. It hurt. A lot. Grant missed an out in the outfield, Lacy missed a throw to first, we looked like rooks.
New life was breathed upon us with everyone getting on base later and a slam down the third base line. Scott, our fearless captain, took advantage of Kia’s lack of attention and stole third while they were getting the ball back to the pitcher. A play not exactly encouraged but within the rules. We needed it.
Unfortunately it just came down to them scoring more runs than we did. Great game for the Well-Hung (over) crowd. Thanks for the game, bounces. If we had more wassail we would have taken it I think…
RELAX AND LET IT HAPPEN
*Before I get started, I need to say some things about the GMOT Rankings.*
Remember when the GMOT had RELAX ranked 2nd? Seriously, one of the best jokes ever. They were like, “They may be 5th in the Nation, but they still haven’t beaten the TeaBaggers.” How hilarious is that? It’s hilarious because it’s so ludicrous/stupid. The logic in that sentence makes no sense at all. Should we not call Tiger Woods the best golfer because he hasn’t beaten Guy Person from Any City, USA? No, you give Tiger his fucking respect. Should Florida play Texas State before they earn their #1 ranking? No, you give them their respect. You don’t have to like us, most people don’t, but you better fucking respect us.
Now, on to the “game” we played this week.
I think we should change the name of the “Live” league. It’s very misleading. Mostly because the games we play in the “Live” division aren’t alive at all. They are dead. They’re like zombies. They show a little bit of life, but they are technically dead. I’m all for people coming out and having a good time. I like having two leagues. But when we, Relax and Let it Happen (5th in the Nation), have to play Live rules, it’s kind of degrading.
*It’s like asking a Cheetah to catch a two-year old on a tricycle with a broken front wheel.
When we play “Live” rules, it’s a waste of our God-given athletic abilities and good looks.
*It’s like asking Lebron James to play on a 6 ft. basket against your local YMCA Seniors league.
*It’s like asking David “The Big Dick Bandit” Stratton to see if he can give a mushroom stamp to a girl standing four feet away from him.
IT’S TOO EASY!
The Tyrannical Teabaggers are a good team. They have athletes all over the field, they’re competitive, and they have a really good first baseman. She is a beast! She belongs on our team. It would’ve been a good game if the athletic abilities of both teams weren’t stunted by the rules. Athletes aren’t meant to stay in the outfield and wait for pop-ups. No! They were meant to run, bunt, throw, kick, and catch. I would say it was boring, but that word doesn’t quite capture the lameness of this game. So, I’ll make up a word. Let’s say it was Gooptackle.
Gooptackle – something that lacks soul or passion, and makes boredom look exciting.
During Capital games, I have a nice shiny glow on my sexual chocolate skin from all the sweat dripping over my rippling body. Our hot girls take off their shirts and dance. David lets it ALL hang out. Sway and D-Ray do the Mexican Hat Dance in the outfield. When Jay talks shit it actually makes sense. It’s fucking fun! But with Live, it’s so GOOPTACKLE, that we just stand there. I was trying to get Devon to take off her shirt, but she said she wasn’t even in the mood. She said the gooptackle was too strong. Nicole said she’d take off her shirt – but what’s new?
So, in closing, 5 things that are more fun than playing LIVE rules.
1. Bathing in a homeless man’s diarrhea.
2. Killing your favorite, most beloved pet with your bare hands.
3. Removing your eyeballs with a plastic spork and a Sweet Leaf Tea bottle cap.
4. Only being able to listen to the latest Lady Gaga album for the rest of your life.
5. Pulling all of the hairs out of your pube-fro with tweezers.
Sorry for getting angry. I should’ve just Relaxed and Let it Happen
Red Rockets vs. Bazaarvoice Ball Busters
With employees on both teams this was a heated battle with bragging rights on the line in the inaugural matchup. Well I will cut right to the point because that is the way the game went. Rockets got off to an early start tallying up 5 runs in the first inning and all the Ball Busters could do from there is try to make an amazing comeback but they were up against one of the league’s most renowned coaches on the Red Rockets and he simply outcoached his opponent. It was a good win for the Red Rockets and definitely a wakeup call to the Ball Busters on what kind of off season training they will need to start implementing to compete at this level.
Here is the Ball Busters regrouping after Josh kicked a grand slam in the first inning. Look how confused they look….
WHERE MY PITCHES AT?
Well, we could have written about how us ‘Pitches’ lost our game.. but how boring is that? We could also spend this time to discuss how amazing the weather was at Gillis last week, quite possibly the best ever.
Or we could talk about how lame we were and didn’t participate in the awesomeness that TITP created, better known as the flashmob mid-game.
No … instead we’d like to take this time to shed some light on how to have better team spirit.
Tips for more fun on the fields:
It’s a 10step program, remarkably similar to a 12 step program that I’m sure many of us kickballers are aware of …
1. No frowny faces ”😦 “… This isn’t kindergarten, no one stole your favorite crayon..or put you in the corner. SMILE.
2. If someone brings beer to the game, the polite response is to DRINK IT.
3. Don’t sweat the small stuff – submitted by “Tuesdays with Morrie”
4. Laugh, it burns calories, and looks way better on you than a miserable scowl
5. In the words of Lady Gaga, “Just Dance” (amidst the fanny packs, costumes, and other ridiculousness, i highly doubt you’ll be made fun of)
6. Step out of your comfort zone and mingle with the other teams. Meet a friend, make an enemy. Doesn’t really matter, either way you’re getting out of your comfort zone.
7. Wear some flair. Examples of success through flair?
a. Girl Scouts
b. Boy Scouts
c. T.G.I. Friday’s
8. If it’s week 8 and you still don’t know everyone’s name on your team…re-evaluate yourself.
9. Don’t take yourself too seriously. I mean, we’re playing adult kickball..not training for IronMan.
10. Ask yourself, W.W.C.N.D., What Would Chuck Norris Do?
He’d punch lameness in the face whilst polishing off that 18 pack (in ONE gulp) that’s just chillin on the sidelines…that’s what.